Attack of the Angst

Sometimes I wonder if I'm making the right choices.


It seems lately that my love life and my social life are steadily falling apart. Some people who I used to call "the best friends I've ever had" seem to have forgotten my existence. Shi's birthday was Friday, and apparently there was a surprise party. 


Guess who the only one not invited was.


Not that I could have gone anyway, I mean I'm really sick and I was hosting a LeftPOORDead marathon for the guy I like (S). But still... they didn't even tell me. 


I think I'm starting to lose touch with myself. Ever since I left Centennial I feel like I'm losing more and more of my emotions. I'm starting to feel less, and care less. I spend all day in my room with no one to talk to except people online. It's so lonely that I want to cry, but I can't even do that. 


No, that's a lie. I can cry, but not for myself. I find myself crying more and more for other people. I feel so useless that I can't help them at all.


I miss 2009... 


The End of the World happened today. Pretty anti-climactic if you ask me- I'd rate it a 2. 


My love life is just as sucky as ever. To be honest, I'm stuck between two guys who I care about but who hate each other to death. It kills me inside that they talk about each other when they haven't had 10 minutes of interaction with each other. 


One of them (E) got his heart broken today, because the girl he likes went out on a date with someone. {When was the last time I actually went on a date...?}. I feel like crying because I know there's probably nothing I can do to help him. 


To be honest... I think I like E, but my feelings for S overpower that. Both of them have me wrapped around their little fingers, and it's only a matter of time before the both pull at the same time. 


I can see it in my mind what will happen for each. 


S would eventually find another girl. I know he would. The long distance wouldn't work out (for Christ sake, he lives in ENGLAND) and he would eventually find another girl.  


E would treat me like a princess, and care about me and we'd be happy, but that too would be doomed somehow. 


In the end, I'm just alone. 


I hate it, because every time I talk to S I feel like I'm at home, and like I belong for once. He doesn't keep me a secret from his friends, he even turns on webcam and lets me interact with everyone. Those are the times that I love most to be honest... I miss real human interaction. 


Seishun Con is coming up. I hope I can scrape together the money to go. I need the human interaction.


Tyler is gonna be there. I hope I don't end up punching him. I don't want to be banned from the con. 


~R


Circle me and the needle moves gracefully
Back and forth, if my heart was a compass you'd be North
Risk it all cause I'll catch you if you fall
Wherever you go, if my heart was a house you'd be home ~Owl City "If My Heart was a House"